Fragile Strength
by StillHurting
Summary: Behind those blue eyes and gentle smile is a world of secrets and pain that Clare struggles to lock away. When Eli discovers the bruises on her body and the scars on her wrist, he is determined to show her that love does not always mean pain. Trigger warning.
1. Prologue

**Fragile Strength**

_Prologue_

Little girls grow up watching and listening to fairy tales, believing that one day they'll come true. We grow up believing that the princess is a kind hearted soul who is thrown into a world of turmoil and distress only to be rescued by prince charming and live happily ever after. But then the little girl has to grow up and face reality.

Yes, we get thrown into a world of turmoil and distress, but not all of us stay kind hearted. Some of us have to toughen up and build walls, or in simpler terms, become a bitch. Not everyone meets their prince charming and gets rescued. Sometimes, Cinderella's got to trade in that ball gown and suit up to fight like hell for her life.

Well, this Cinderella-turned-soldier has seen it all. But even this warrior has got to fall sometimes. That time is now.


	2. Drown in Your Love

**Fragile Strength**

_Chapter One: Drown in Your Love_

His words were spewing at me like venom. His eyes were still concentrated on the road and his hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly, but I knew that it wouldn't stay that way for long. I leaned my head against the window, trying to tune out what he was saying. My eyes were betraying me, threatening to spill out tears any second now. I couldn't let that happen in front of him. I needed a distraction and fast.

Whenever KC was in a good mood, we would play this game whenever we were on the road together. If any one of would see a yellow car, we had to shout out the word, "banana car" and lightly punch the other on the shoulder before the other did. I tried to count how many yellow cars would pass us by.

Nothing. Just a sea of black and white. Maybe a few shades of grey here and there.

I sighed heavily. "KC, please don't yell anymore. What's wrong? What did I do this time?"

KC's fists slammed against the steering wheel. "I can't take this anymore, Clare! One second you're fine, and then the next second you're moody and depressed. You're so hot and cold! What the hell do you want from me? It's exhausting!"

"I don't know what you want me to say! Do you want me to pretend to be happy around you?" I shot back at him. "Do you want me to lie?"

"No, that is not what I'm saying AT ALL." His eyes shot off the road and they were now focused on me. Lucky for us, we were at a stoplight. KC grabbed my hand tightly, making it clear that he wasn't going to let go anytime soon. He asked more calmly, "What I want is for you to tell me what's on your mind. What is going on in that messed up brain of yours? Why are you acting this way?"

"My messed up brain?" I scoffed, but I shrugged it off. "I can't explain it KC. I just… I don't know. I just don't have the motivation to do anything, that's all. I can't explain it. I'm probably just PMSing or something."

KC grew silent, still holding onto my hand. The light turned green and he drove on for about ten minutes. We ended up near a park and he finally parked and turned off the engine.

"Is it because we had sex?"

His words echoed throughout my body and racked my brain. I couldn't allow myself to think about it. It's been about a month and a half since KC and I lost our virginities to each other. We hadn't exactly meant for it to happen, but one thing led to another and… I had regretted it ever since. My virginity was something that was sacred to me. I had wanted to save sex for marriage not only because of my religious beliefs but because it just felt right to me. I know it's very old fashioned and outdated but I couldn't help myself from wanting that for myself. KC, although he was frustrated about my choice, learned to respect it and even love me for my morals. However, two years of dating can really wear you out.

"I knew it." KC muttered under his breath, breaking my train of thought. "It's always going to come back to that isn't it?" I felt his grip on my hand getting tighter.

"N-No." I stuttered, fearing that my nightmares were going to come true again. "KC, I promise you, that isn't it."

"Why do you regret me? US?!" KC screamed as he moved his hand onto my wrist, holding a death grip while twisting it. I tried to pull his hand off of me with my free hand only for him to grab that wrist too.

"KC, please! I swear to you I don't regret it! I loved it and I love you! Please, you're hurting me again!" I begged. I was squirming under his grasp and I tried to fight back. I heard tiny cracks, but that wouldn't stop me.

"You always say that Clare. You always say how I'm hurting you. How you're afraid that I'm going to leave you, cheat on you, find someone better. You have no faith in me. You're always picking fights. You always try to put the blame on me. Have you ever thought that maybe I'm not the one to blame? It takes two to screw up this relationship, Clare! You're the worthless one! You're the weak, pathetic one! I know that I can do better than you and you're lucky that you're with someone like me, you know that? And still, you regret us sleeping together!"

The tears were flowing freely now as I screamed from pain. KC pinched my arm to make me shut up, or scream louder. Every time I tried to fight or hit back, he would just smirk and block my hits. I screamed incoherent words, I screamed swears at him, I screamed that I hated myself, I screamed that I wanted to die. It's always that last part that gets his attention. After an hour of screaming self-loathe and suicidal tendencies, his grip loosens and he pulls me into an embrace.

"Clare," he begins as he strokes my hair, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting it get this far again. I'm sorry for yelling at you when I promised you last time I wouldn't yell anymore. It's just that, I get so worried about you. You always try to hide everything, never letting anyone in, not even me. I get so worried that it works me up. I explode. I took it out on you, the last person I would want to hurt. I'm sorry. You know I love you. It isn't about the sex, because you know I don't need that to prove that you love me. I know you do."

KC holds comfortingly as I whimper and cry into his chest. It's moments like these that make the fighting and bruises worth it.

"Shh,you don't have to apologize. 'Love means never having to say you're sorry,' remember?" I gently remind him as I cup his cheek. He softly kisses my hand. "I love you, KC. Always have, always will."

"Please don't cut yourself again," he whispers, "Please don't die."

And in this moment, nothing else mattered. I forgot about the bruises. I forgot about what we were fighting about. I forgot about my black and white, dreary little world. This was love. This was all I had in my life. My faith was gone, my family had no hope in me, and my grades meant little to nothing to me so long as I had KC in my life. KC was my future and that was all that mattered.

This was love. Right?

I look up, and I muster up the best smile I can give him. "I won't."

But we both know this is a lie.

* * *

Two years ago, I had met KC as a freshman at Degrassi. I embarrassingly did not believe that he was in the gifted program and made a fool of myself. However, opposites truly do attract, and KC and I have been together ever since. Lots of people believe we're going to get married, and they always tease us and ask what we plan on naming our children. On the outside, we fulfill the role of the happy, perfect couple. We have more than our kids' names picked out; we have our whole future planned out ahead of us. We want to get married. We're in love.

But when everyone turns their backs, we are far from perfect. We argue more than normal couples should. His temper and my depression has gotten so out of hand, our coping mechanisms are him lashing out on me physically while on the other hand, I self-mutilate. We know it's getting hard, but we don't know anything else other than each other. He's had a hard past and I've lived such a sheltered one. We've never had anyone except each other. We are far too comfortable with each other to let go. As far as I know, this is love- the bruising, the small broken bones, the screaming, the scars… that's all a part of his love for me.

Part of me wants to be set free. But the bigger part of me yearns for KC. I have forgotten how to be me without him; I no longer know life without him. How frightening is that? Of this, I know that if KC were to ever leave me, I might actually die.

After all, what's a princess without her prince?

* * *

"I'll meet you in the library after school?"

"Of course. I'll miss you until then." And with that I give KC a quick peck on the lips. I gather my books and head off to my AP Lang class.

I reach my desk and sigh heavily. Sleep has not been generous to me as of late. Ever since KC's beatings became more forceful, my nightmares have become more realistic and graphic. So most nights, I just force myself to stay up until I can't anymore. I can usually go two days, three if I really push for it. I was only running on one day without any sleep and I was dying. I propped my head onto my arm and decided to rest my eyes for a bit.

"Hey there, sleepyhead." I open my eyes and see that signature smirk that I look forward to seeing every day in this class. "What's wrong, didn't get much sleep last night?"

"Hi, Eli. And why, is it that obvious?" I muse.

"Just a tad."

"Great, I probably look like a zombie or something. How attractive of me."

"On the contrary, Clare."

I blush lightly, unable to hide my face. "How flattering."

"What can I say? I've got a way with my words. I know exactly what to say to either make a girl melt or keep her on her toes." He remarks sarcastically. Suddenly my flattery turns into slight annoyance.

"Could you be more smug?"

He smirks. "Absolutely."

The bell rings and right on cue, the teacher walks in. She hands out an assignment and to my dismay, it's partner work. In cases like these, I usually end up doing all the work and my partner takes half the credit. I groan and Eli takes notice.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. It's just that I hate partner work. I always end up doing all the work and the other person takes credit for whatever I do. It's just unfair and it adds to my stress."

"Clare Edwards, stressed? That's unheard of." Another sarcastic remark. I playfully hit him on the head. "I'll tell you what, Clare. I'll be your partner. That way, you know that for sure that the work will be split up evenly and you won't have to stress."

I smile at him. "Thanks, Eli. I always knew I could count on you."

He smirks again. "That's me: your rock. So what do we have to do in this project? I wasn't really paying attention." At this point the whole class has broken up into partners and was brainstorming ideas.

"Well, according to the handout, we have to choose between three works we've read so far: _The Crucible, The Great Gatsby, _or _A Streetcar named Desire. _Then we have to do an analysis of the work in the form of a presentation, research paper, or video."

"That doesn't sound too bad. I thought for an AP class there would be…"

"There's more." I continued. He groaned and slammed his head on the desk. "We have to write an alternate ending to the story and explain why we think the alternate ending is suitable. Yup, now that sounds like an AP Lang assignment. The first part of the assignment sounded more like an AP Lit class to me."

"It all just sounds like a hassle to me." Eli groaned with his face buried in his hands. "When is this all due?"

"Two weeks." Eli's jaw nearly dropped to the ground. "So, it looks like we have to work on this on our own time as well. Do you want to meet up after school and on the weekends if necessary?"

"Sounds good. You free today?"

I pressed my lips together. I had plans with KC, and it never sat well with him if I cancelled last minute. However, this was school related… "Yeah. I just have to tell KC. I'll meet you at The Dot?"

"Sure thing. I'll see you there."

Hopefully, KC won't be too mad.

* * *

**A/N: So... Hi. I'll use this space to do a little introduction about myself. **

**This is my first Degrassi FF ever. ****I like to do playlists at the end of my chapters because... well, music is my life, writing comes second to music. I usually draw my ideas and inspiration from whatever I'm listening to aside from my personal experiences. So I make a playlist so that whoever reads this can get a peek into whatever mood I was in when I was writing. So here's the playlist for this chapter:**

_**Gravity by John Mayer  
The Scientist by Coldplay  
Till It Happens to You by Corrine Bailey Rae  
Comfortable by John Mayer**_

_****_**Also, I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible. Not all domestic abuse cases are just cases of hitting and screaming and the person just wants to get out of it. It's usually a cycle, and sometimes, the person doesn't want to get out of it. In this case, Clare is afraid of getting out of the relationship for many reasons that are going to explored as the story progresses. This is just skimming the surface. **


	3. All Too Well

**Fragile Strength**

_Chapter Two: All Too Well_

KC shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Does it have to be today? I was looking forward to spending the afternoon with you. You sure you can't reschedule?

I frowned and placed a quick kiss on his cheek. "I'm sorry, love. But this assignment is worth a lot of my grade and it's a lot of work. You know how my grade has been slipping lately. I really need to ace this."

"Yeah, I guess. I just miss you. We never spend enough time together anymore. Between my basketball practices and games, your extra-curriculars, and your strict curfews, we never have any quality time together. It's hard sneaking around." KC muttered as he started placing kisses against my jaw and down my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

I moaned softly, being careful not to draw too much attention to our deserted corner of the library. "I know, I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Why don't you make it up to me right now? You don't have to go for another 15 minutes."

And with that, I turned around and faced him, pressing my needy lips against his. We let our hands wander on each other while hiding behind the shelves of books. We breathed heavily and kissed hungrily, trying our best not to rip off each other's clothing right then and there. KC's hands made their way under my shirt and explored the soft skin of my stomach and back.

Big mistake.

His hands brushed over a tender spot on the right side of my abdomen – a place where, a week prior to this make out session and the argument in his car, I had taken my trusty razor blade and sliced myself five times. I couldn't remember the reason why I picked up my razor blade that Friday night but I know that even though KC had found the rough scabs, I don't regret it.

"Clare, what's this?" KC questioned, even though he knew all too well what it was.

"It's nothing, KC." I said quickly. I tugged on his shirt, attempting to pull him in closer. I wanted him to want me again. "Just keep kissing me."

"Clare, you promised!" He exclaimed, taking a step back.

I sigh. My three minutes of heaven are done. Back to reality. Back to hell. "You promise all the time that you'll stop yelling, but you never keep that promise. Why should I keep this? This is mine! This is what I get to keep."

KC stared at me for what felt like a lifetime. It was as if he no longer recognized me. Suddenly, he pushes me hard against the shelves, walks away and says, "I yell because you'll never change. Not even for me."

I feel that familiar lump in my throat and those damn tears forming in my eyes. My breathing becomes shallow and uneven while his words and insults that he spat at me over the years swirled around in my head: _You deserve it, you're worthless, you'll never change, you're the problem. _I quickly get my tiny razor out of its secret pocket and make three tiny little cuts on the side of my wrist. In a matter of seconds, beads of crimson begin to form and I feel satisfied with myself, KC's echoing voice in my head begin to subside. I take deep breaths, regain my composure, and walk out of the library with my head held high.

This Cinderella has got an English project to do, and she does not need the help of her prince to do it.

* * *

I make my way down Queen St. and turn the corner to see Eli through the window, sipping on a mocha latte while manically scribbling in his notebook.

"What's going on, Edgar Allan Poe? Working on _The Raven_ part two?" I joke.

He chuckled. "Hardly. Don't let the clothes and the hearse fool you. I'm actually not a fan." He stated a matter-of-factly. "Actually, I'm thinking we do _A Streetcar named Desire_."

I sucked in a sharp breath. That play did not sit well with me. The antagonist, Stanley, mirrored KC, very well. He was emotionally and physically abusive to his wife Stella, but she continued to love and stay with him because part of her loved that about him. It was the primal sexual chemistry between them that set her off. Even when Stanley goes as far to rape Stella's mentally disarrayed sister Blanche, Stella chooses not to believe her and sends her own sister off to an asylum.

"Well, what did you have in mind?" I asked. I didn't want to shoot his idea down right away.

"Well, I was thinking, what if Stella believes that Stanley did in fact, rape Blanche and decides to leave Stanley. Maybe, Stanley will become so heartbroken, he will commit suicide, paralleling Blanche's husband's suicide. Meanwhile, Stella commits her life to helping her sister recover from her mental illness, paralleling the author's struggle with her own sister's mental illness."

I wanted to shoot it down, but the material was just so A+ worthy, I couldn't. "Sounds perfect."

Eli couldn't help but smile. "Really? You like it? You don't even want to critique it or suggest something else?"

I shook my head. "No, it's perfect Eli. Brilliant, actually. You really set the bar high on this one. If we execute this correctly, we might actually get an A+ on this. You're fantastic."

He smirked. "Well, thanks Clare. That means a lot to me, especially from you. Oh, and where are my manners? Do you want a drink or anything? I'll order you something." He got up and walked over to the counter.

While he was away from the table, I pulled up my cardigan sleeve and peeked at my cuts. They were bleeding quite a bit, but nothing a little bit of pressure could stop. I also noticed that the bruises from the fight KC and I had two days ago were now becoming visible around my wrist, matching the shape of his fingers. I gasped quietly as I touched the bruises. I remembered hearing a few small cracks when he twisted it. Something was definitely broken, but as long as it was a small fracture, it was something that was going to heal on its own.

"Clare?"

I jumped at the sound of Eli's voice and quickly pulled my sleeve down.

"I wasn't sure of what you wanted, so I just got you a chai vanilla latte… What's up with your wrist?" His brows furrowed, his voice laced with curiosity. I had to think of good lie, and quick.

"I'm such a klutz. I'm not exactly the most graceful person on the planet. KC and I went hiking this past weekend by the reservation and I tripped. I sprained my wrist. I got it checked out by the doctor, but the he said it was minor and it would heal on its own. It would just be bruised for the time being." That sounded legitimate enough. Everyone at school knew KC and I were dating, especially since it's been two years. They also knew that KC loved to go hiking, so every now and then he would take me with him on his adventures. Sometimes, we would have a picnic if the weather would allow us.

"Ouch. Sounds like the typical Clare Edwards to me. Mind if I take a look?"

"Uh. It looks kind of gross."

"I don't get grossed out easily, I promise."

Reluctantly, I give him my hand and he pulls up my sleeve, revealing my yellowing, blue-ish wrist. I pray silently to a God I no longer believe in that he won't notice or touch my fresh cuts.

"You're right it looks nasty. Are you sure it's going to heal on its own? You should at least wrap this up in an ace bandage or something." I don't say anything, just nod nervously. "Wait a minute, Clare. Why is there blood?" He asks as his finger skims along the three bumps on the inside of my wrist. Instinctively, I snap my hand back and pull down my sleeve.

"Clare, why are you bleeding? Why are there fresh cuts on your wrist?" He asks, every hint of curiosity gone and is replaced with concern and fear.

"I have to go. I'll get started on the analysis presentation and I'll text you if I need anything."

"Clare, wait, let's talk about this!" He interjects.

But I'm already out the door.

* * *

I make my way up the stairs, plop down on my bed, and bury my head under the mountain of pillows. I check my phone to see if I have any messages. Nothing. KC is still mad at me after all. I quickly dial his number that I have committed to memory and he picks up after two rings.

"Hello?" He answers.

"Are you still mad at me?" I ask right away. I wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush.

I hear a heavy sigh at the other end of the line. "A little."

"Why?"

"You need help, Clare."

"KC, we've gone through this a thousand times. I don't need help."

"Why don't you want to get help? You don't want to get help, not even for me?"

"Just the idea of talking to someone about my feelings and having someone analyze about everything I say… it's too much. I don't even know the person." I argue back.

"Then talk to me. Tell me." He begged.

"I do. You know everything about me. You know me better than I know myself."

"Then why do you still cut yourself?" KC practically yells at me.

"Why are you getting angry?" I fire back. "See, this is exactly why I do it. You blame me for everything. You say the worst things to me. You treat me like garbage. It's been two years KC. You weren't always like this. You used to never yell at me. You never hurt me. Now everything I do wrong set you off and I get hurt in every little way. It isn't fair. Your temper is out of hand."

"Oh, and that's my fault? You think it's my fault that my home life makes me so angry all the time? Try living my life, Clare. You wouldn't last a day. I do what I have to, to feel alive, to survive around here." KC fired back at me. "You're such a bitch. Everything is about you. You never stop for a second and think about me. I do everything for you."

Those words stab my heart and all of a sudden I'm crying. I try my best to stop myself, but what comes out instead are strangled sobs that become impossible to ignore and yet, KC doesn't offer a single word of comfort. 20 minutes pass by before I calm down and decide to break the silence, knowing all too well that if I don't say something soon, KC will just hang up.

"I'm sorry for being selfish," I say.

"It's okay."

"Stay with me?"

"Always."

Another 30 minutes pass and KC's snores are heard from the other end of the line. Although we've dated for the past two years, we've never fallen asleep in each other's arms due to my strict family rules and his group home rules. So, to make up for it, we always fell asleep on the phone together. It's what we've been doing for the past year and a half.

* * *

Once KC knocked out, I quietly hung up the phone so I wouldn't disrupt his sleeping. Since I was staying up all night to avoid the nightmares, I decided to begin working on the analysis of the AP Lang assignment. Suddenly my phone alerts me about a text.

_Can we talk about today?_ – _Eli_

I picked up my phone shot back a quick text. _There's nothing to discuss. –Clare_

My phone begins to ring and to my dismay, it's Eli. I pick up the phone.

"Eli, what do you want? It's 2 in the morning. Go to sleep." I instruct. I can almost see him shaking his head at me.

"I can't sleep. It's a Friday night, Clare, who the hell goes to sleep on a Friday night? But that's not why I called."

"I know why you called, Eli. I don't want to talk about it. Can you please just drop it? Please?" I was practically begging him.

"Not until you give me a rational explanation. Don't say you have a cat or anything."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's exactly it. His name is Mittens." My voice dripping with sarcasm.

"This is hardly the time, Edwards." He deadpanned.

"Well, what do you want me to say to you?"

"Well for starters, you can tell me the truth."

I sigh heavily. "You're not going to give this up, are you?"

"No."

"Why do you care so much?"

Eli didn't answer right away. But when he did, it caught my off guard. "You're more than my English partner, Clare. You're my friend. I care about you."

I didn't know what to say at first. I knew Eli was my friend. I just didn't expect him to be so… up front and vulnerable about it. "Thank you, Eli. You know I care about you, too. A lot, actually. But, this is something that I'm not ready to talk about. Goodnight, Eli."

"Wait, Clare." He said quickly. I put the phone back to my ear.

"Yes?"

"Aside from the cuts… your bruises… They're in the shape of fingers or something," I gulped and help my breath. "Is KC hurting you?" He nearly whispered.

As soon as his words reach my ear, it was as if all the air was knocked out of me. I knew Eli was smart, but I didn't think he was capable of putting two and two together. I didn't know what to say. After all, what are you supposed to say? No one was supposed to find out, especially not Eli Goldsworthy.

"Clare, is he abusing you?" He asked again, this time with more volume.

"Goodnight, Eli." I whispered, and I hung up the phone.

Looks like this Cinderella has got her work cut out for her.

* * *

**A/N: ****So what do you guys think about KC? Like I said in last chapter's author note, I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible. If I were to paint him as a complete monster, it wouldn't be realistic. Like, what would Clare even see in him to make her want to be with him? I don't want Clare to be a complete damsel in distress who can't fend for herself in this story. It may not seem like it now, but I'm going to try my best to have her character develop. As for Eclare... just wait and see!**

**Playlist:**

**_Bluebird by Christina Perri  
And It Kills Me by Melanie Fiona  
All Too Well by Taylor Swift  
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus _**

**This playlist covered a lot of genres, haha. R&B, pop, country, acoustic, rock, alternative... But that's good, right? The more diverse, the better!**


	4. Speak Now

**Fragile Strength**

_Chapter Three: Speak Now_

My body jerks and eyes shoot open, but I manage to stifle a scream that I feel building in my throat. I quickly sit up and rub my eyes, quickly realizing that I must have fallen asleep, therefore becoming a victim to my recurring, menacing nightmares once again. My body is still heavy with fatigue, only having five hours of sleep after not having any in the last three days, but my mind is wide awake, unwilling to sleep and face my subconscious monsters.

If I could wish for anything in the world, it would be to sleep a whole week without a single nightmare or dream popping into my subconscious and stirring me in my slumber. Maybe for once, I could wake up to the sound of my alarm clock rather than my groaning and cold sweat. If only my life were actually a fairytale, my prince would rescue me.

Except that I already have a prince. And the only person who's going to rescue me is myself.

I stare at my clock and sigh heavily; it's only 4:45am. My alarm isn't set to go off until 6:00am, but there's really no point in trying to go back to sleep. I stand up to realize that my pajamas are drenched in cold sweat, so I peel them off and decide to shower - might as well start getting ready for school. I head over to the bathroom and hop in the steamy shower.

I close my eyes as I let the soothing water run over my body. I carefully run my hands along every scar and bruise that painted ugly colors on my creamy skin. On my ankles, I feel that some scabs have now become scar tissue. I look at the fleshiest part of my body – my thighs – to see that the deepest cuts on my body are healing nicely, but the more recent ones have yet to scar. The older ones leave behind very noticeable scars, enough for someone to ask questions and maybe even throw me into a psychiatric facility. And that's just my thighs.

My hands make their way to my sides and stomach, where most of scars are. It isn't even smooth anymore; my touch is met with bumps as I run my hands up and down my sides. I feel ashamed and ugly, but there's a small part of me that feels satisfied. Finally, I run my hands up and down my arms, which are covered with bruises that KC has given me. Some are old, giving a purple-blue like color while some are new, looking yellow. Some bruises resemble the shape of his fingers, and some just look like blotches of paint were thrown on me.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I step out of the shower. I see my reflection in the mirror and see my whole, naked self staring back at me. I don't know who she is.

Shaking away the frightening image of my body covered in scars, cuts, and bruises, I saunter back into my room and begin to my dress myself. I quickly glance at my phone only to see that I have nothing from KC, but 12 text messages, 7 missed calls, and 2 voicemails all from Eli Goldsworthy. I groan and throw my phone on the bed. Eli clearly did not understand what it meant to get the "cold shoulder" or "silent treatment," did he?

It's been two days since he confronted me about the bruises and cuts. After he called and I hung up on him, I've been trying my best to avoid any contact from him. It has been proving to be difficult as Eli has been a good friend of mine since I was a sophomore, but what am I supposed to say to him? If I tell him the truth, then he might tell someone about KC and he'll be taken away from me. Or worse, KC might get into some sort of legal trouble. I can't have that happen to him. I have to protect KC, but I can't hide from Eli forever. I have to face him at school later today.

I pick up my phone once again and decide to listen to his two voicemails.

"_Clare, call me when you get this. I know you're trying to avoid me, but you can't avoid me forever. I'm not going to stop trying to reach you until you tell me what's really going on. I'm really worried about you." _

"_Clare, I know you're scared. But I want you to know that whatever it is you're hiding, it's safe with me. I won't say anything to anyone as long as you don't want me to, no matter how bad it is. I just want to be there for you. So please, can you just talk to me? I'm being left to dry over here."_

I take deep breaths. I've got to come up with something before I see him in English today.

* * *

The aroma of bacon and chocolate chip pancakes fill the air and interrupt me from my morning routine and my thoughts. I glance over at the clock. How on earth is it 6:45am already? There's light knocking on my door and I immediately know who it is.

"I'm already awake, Jake." I call out.

He opens the door slightly. "Is it safe to come in?"

"Yes, I'm decent." I roll my eyes.

He walks in plops himself on my bed. Once upon a time, after Darcy married Peter and moved to Vancouver, my parents divorced. My mother soon after met Glen, and they got married. Jake, who I at first couldn't stand, has now become my step-brother, close friend, and confidante.

"I don't get it, why isn't my bed as comfortable as yours?" He groaned. "And what the heck? It smells so nice in here!

"Well for one thing, my bed's nice and soft because it isn't worn out from banging Katie all night long," I smirked. He threw a pillow at me. "And it smells nice in here because I actually take time to clean it and use something foreign to you called an air freshener. Try it sometime."

"Beds demand sex." He argues.

"No, they demand sleep." I retort.

"You sleep really well after you have really good sex."

"Out." I point to the door.

"Gone." And Jake drags himself off of my bed and makes his way down to breakfast. I smile softly to myself. He always had a way of making my mornings wonderful no matter how restless my nights were. It's something that Darcy was never able to do, but that never stopped me from missing her.

"Hey, Clare?" My head whips around and I see that Jake is back at my door.

"Yeah?"

"How are you lately?" He asks softly, his eyes uncomfortably looking out my balcony. "I know we haven't really caught up since Katie and I got together, but I figured you'd be kind of grateful since I used to be in the way of you spending time with KC and all-"

"Jake, you could never get in my way. You're family." I interject. The truth was, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it, was that I was grateful for all the times Jake wanted to spend time with me. It gave me a solid reason for cancelling on KC. He would never get mad at me for cancelling dates because of family.

"Well, I feel bad for not being around as much as I used to be. I feel like mornings and Sunday nights are all I have with you now. We don't catch up as much as we used to. I'm not feeling very big-brotherly anymore. Then again, being a sibling at all is still very new to me."

I walk over to him and gingerly take both of his rough hands into mine. "You're a terrific brother, biological or not. How about we grab dinner at Little Miss Steaks this Friday night? I think it's time for our monthly sibling bonding dinner anyway."

Jake let one of my hands free and rubs the top of my head. "You got it, sis."

* * *

Jake and I pull up to our usual parking spot at Degrassi. It's starting to get chilly for late September and the leaves are turning into a beautiful light orange. Autumn is definitely my favorite season; Mother nature has a way of making the process of death look so beautiful. The dank air suddenly becomes crisp, every step you take makes a satisfying _crunching_ noise_, _and everything tastes like pumpkin. Everything about the atmosphere heightens my mood, and it's enough to make Jake notice.

"Did you take something with your coffee this morning? Because you are in a ridiculously good mood for a Monday morning."

"I just love autumn." I reply in a sing-song voice.

"Uh, Clare?" Jake says in a weary voice.

"Hm?"

"Have you ever done anything to piss off Eli Goldsworthy?"

There goes my good mood. "Why do you ask?"

"Don't look now but he's coming right at us and he doesn't look too happy."

I turn around and sure enough, Eli Goldsworthy is marching his way towards me in the school parking lot. His eyes look absolutely menacing and I would hate to be at the receiving end of that death glare… Except for the unfortunate fact that I am. Almost instinctively, Jake begins to take his "big brother" protective stance in front of me. "I think you might want to call KC too." Jake says over his shoulder. "I don't what the hell you did Clare, but this guy looks like he's about to murder you."

"N-no. That's okay, KC doesn't need to get involved with this. He has enough going on." _Like me. _"Actually, Jake, I think you should go too. I think I can handle this."

He looks at me in disbelief. "Are you kidding me, Clare? Look at the guy – he looks like he's been through hell and if he's about to go back, he's determined to take you with him. I'm not going anywhere until I find out what he wants from you."

"Clare!" Eli calls, still making his way towards us. I have only a few more seconds to get rid of Jake.

"Please, Jake." I say, unable to hide the desperation in my voice. "I need to speak with him alone. I promise you, I'll be fine. If it gets bad, I'll call you right away, I swear."

Jake takes a few moments too long to study my pleading blue eyes before he finally gives in. "Alright, but I swear to God if he hurts you, he's a dead man walking."

"Then maybe you should start hunting down KC Gunthrie. Am I right, Clare?" Eli's voice cuts in.

_No_. No, he did not just say that. I can't even say anything. What happened to everything that he said in the voicemail? Was that all a lie? Here I was, believing that maybe I could confide in someone for once in my life, only to have him spit out my secret to my brother.

Jake turns to Eli and takes a step towards his smaller frame. "Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Eli doesn't flinch, doesn't take a step back, and doesn't even blink. He simply turns his head towards me once again, "Clare? Care to explain, or should I?"

I stare back at him, almost feeling the color leaving my already white face. He registers the damage that he's done to me, but he still holds his ground. He asks again, "Well, Clare? Your brother is waiting for an answer."

"D-Don't worry…" I begin weakly to Jake. "Eli's just being stupid, pissing me off as usual. Come on, Eli, let's work on our English assignment." I manage in front of Jake before grabbing the sleeve of Eli's denim jacket and dragging him all the way to the JT Yorke Memorial. Most of the students were still outside of the building, waiting for the morning bell to ring.

Almost immediately, I felt the anger and hurt building up inside of me. As soon as I closed the doors behind us, I was ready to explode at him. But before I had the chance to say anything, he beat me to it.

"Why the hell didn't you answer any of my messages or phone calls?" He yelled. "Unless your phone is broken or have any other valid excuse, I'd love to hear the string of bullshit you can come up with. Do you have any idea how worried I was all fucking weekend? I couldn't function properly, couldn't get my mind off of your _damned_ wrists!"

"Is 'I don't want to talk to you about this' a valid excuse? I told you to leave me alone! This is none of your_ freaking_ business and whatever you think is going on probably isn't so just drop it! No one asked you to get involved!" I screamed back.

"Well I am now! The moment I saw those cuts and bruises, I got involved."

"Why can't you just forget about it?!"

"It isn't that simple, Clare! I'm your friend, do you have any idea how serious this is?"

I scoff. "Friend? You're just my English partner!" His eyes tighten, trying to mask the pain by my statement. We both know there is no truth behind my statement, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"Would 'just an English partner' lose sleep over you?" He asks, a little bit more softly.

"Well, what kind of friend would say all of this in front of my brother?"

"I only said all that in front Jake because I know you would just avoid me and the subject altogether unless I brought someone else into it. Jake just happened to be there."

"But why him?_ I live with him_, Eli! He already worries about enough things already. He has his own life, and now he's going to be worrying about the things you said to him. I don't want to burden him further. How could you do that to me?" My voice breaks and I realize that I'm close to tears.

Eli walks closer to me and tries to look at my face, but I refuse to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry, Clare. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just couldn't wait anymore. I really am worried about you." My eyes are glazed over with tears that I refuse to let fall. My lip trembles slightly as I fight the need to let out a sob. I try to take deep breaths to calm down, but my chest feels tight and pressured.

"Hey… Look at me." He says softly. He holds my shoulders to hold me in place and to ease my trembling body. It's only when he puts his hands on my shoulders that I realize that I'm having a panic attack. Out of fear and need of support, I hold onto his wrists. "Just look at me and try to breathe slowly, okay? Just focus on my eyes and listen to what I'm saying. I don't want you to talk, just nod yes or no, okay? Breathe in and out."

I nod and try to focus on his green orbs, but they're blurry from my tears. I just focus on looking straight, waiting for my eyes to dry so that I can clearly look into his eyes. Slowly, but surely, I begin to take in breaths. After a minute or so, Eli begins to talk again.

"Okay, Clare. I just want you to nod 'yes' or 'no,' but I need you to be honest with me. I promise you, _I swear_ on my life that this will only stay between us. So please, _let me in._" He says, his eyes pleading. "I'm your friend and I'm here to help, okay?"

I nod slowly, afraid of what he's going to say next.

"Do you trust me?"

I nod.

"Do you love KC?"

Without thinking, practically automatically, I nod. Maybe even robotically.

"Have you been getting any sleep lately?"

I shake my head.

"Is it because you have nightmares?" He asks sadly.

I nod my head, looking at the ground.

"Clare, remember to keep looking into my eyes." He reminded, and I looked back up. His eyes looked clearer now. He takes a deep breath before asking the next question, "Do you hurt yourself?"

My head doesn't move. I don't want to answer this question.

"You promised me you'd be honest. I won't say anything to anyone." He reminded me once again with a small smile of reassurance. I look at him, trying to find a hint of sarcasm or deception etched in the intricate details of his eyes, but there was nothing.

"Yes." I reply. Just when he's about to interject, and I'm sure it's about me speaking and nodding, I beat him to it. "I'm okay. I can speak now."

"You sure?" He asks worriedly.

"I'm sure." I smile weakly. "And yes, I uh, I hurt myself. Please don't ask me why. Not today. This is hard enough for me."

"Okay." Eli says softly, as he lets go of my shoulders and lets his right hand gently slide down my arm onto my wrist. "Is this the only place you cut, or is it all over your body?"

I hesitate to answer because I can see Eli practically bracing himself for the answer that he already knows. But I know that I can't turn back anymore. "All over." I whisper.

"Oh, God, Clare." Eli whispers, his voice breaking. He lets go of my wrist and sits down on the bench. "Clare…" He tries again.

"Eli, don't." I stop him. "Not now." I plead softly, as I feel the tears returning, filling my eyes once more.

"Okay." He says again softly, but he doesn't get up from the bench. Instead, he put his head down into his hands and sighs heavily. This is it. "Is he abusing you, Clare?"

The moment his words leave his lips, the tears finally fall and the sob I was fighting to hold back escapes. For the first time in two years, I was crying in front of someone that wasn't KC. Eli's head shoots up as soon as he hears my cry. I didn't even have to say yes. He knows my answer.

Eli stands up slowly and puts his hands back on my shoulders. I don't fight him this time. I stare back into his eyes, even with the tears blurring my vision.

"And you still love him, don't you?"

Again, no nod or "yes" is needed. I lean all the way into Eli, burying myself as much as I possibly can into Eli's chest and just cry, harder than I ever had in my entire life. My body is shaking, trembling, completely racked with sobs and weeping. Eli doesn't ask any other questions and holds me tightly, caressing my head and hair lightly.

He coaxes softly, "Oh, Clare."

Eli Goldsworthy is unraveling the truth behind my facade, and there's nothing I can do to hide my shame anymore.

* * *

**A/N: So sorry for the long wait! I've had a super busy two weeks! I painted and moved into my new room, GOT TWO NEW DOGS, had to present my choreo project for dance (yes, I'm also a dancer on top of all the other things I do!) and I was away at a retreat in Maryland. I was originally going to make this chapters 3 and 4, but I decided to just make it into one big chapter since I haven't updated in almost two weeks. I hope you all enjoyed the Cake-sibling interaction, the mention of Jatie (yes, there will be some Jatie in future chapters), and the plethora of Eclare in this chapter. Expect to see some Misfits action (RIP Adam) and some Alli - Clare best friendship as well. Just kinda realized she's been MIA so far. But it's okay, it's only chapter 3!**

_**Playlist:**_

_**Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine**_

_**9 Crimes by Damien Rice**_

_**Turn to Stone by Ingrid Michaelson**_

_**Don't Know Why by Norah Jones**_

**PS. My dogs (two poodle mixes: one standard, one teacup) are sleeping, and they're snoring, and they're adorable and I love them oh, so very much. I can't believe I've only had them for a week. :3 **

**P.P.S. The semester is starting up soon, and my major requires a lot of studying (I'm a nursing major... ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER THINGS I DO LOL SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW PLS) so the updates may come once a week or once every two weeks depending on my work load. Please don't lose hope in me if I don't update as often or sporadically! :D **


	5. Undone

**Fragile Strength  
**_Chapter Four: Undone_

"_The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do.__"_

* * *

I can't tell how long we've been fighting, but I know that this is the worst that it's ever been. We've reached our breaking point; a stand still. What happens next?

We didn't see it coming.

"_If you swallow those pills, I'm gone."_

"_If you walk out that door, I'll die."_

"_If you die, I die."_

"_Then don't go."_

"_I can't do this anymore."_

"_But I don't know what else to do."_

"_I have to go. Take care of yourself."_

A door slams loud enough to make the room shake. Instead, the walls collapse.

* * *

My eyes shoot open.

I look around me. The walls of the house I was standing in are replaced my windows. I realize slowly that I'm lying down inside _a hearse. _As the panic starts to flood into my veins, Eli, who I register has been letting me use his lap as a pillow, puts his hand on my forehead, perhaps to reassure me that I wasn't alone.

"You had a nightmare." He sadly states in a soft tone.

"Am I dead? Is this another dream?" I ask, panic still laced in my voice.

He chuckles, trying his best to hide his amusement. "No, you're not dead."

My eyes are still wandering around the inside of the car. I crawl over towards the window and see that we're parked in the middle of the woods. "Then where are we and why am I asleep in a hearse? Why aren't we at school?" Everything in my memory was blurry.

Eli kicked open the doors of the trunk and jumped out. He then lent out a hand to help me get out. "First things first, you need some fresh air. You went through a lot today and it's only 11:30. You must be drained, despite that power nap."

I grabbed his hand and placed myself on the ground that was covered in a sea of orange and yellow leaves. I could tell we were a bit far from the city, but I didn't mind. "What about school?"

"We're skipping for the day. That should be the least of your worries, considering everything…"

"Yeah… you're right. I could use a little break." I smiled weakly. We managed to find a log to sit on while we talked. "Do you mind filling me in on what happened after I sobbed on you? Sorry about that by the way, I swear I normally don't do that."

"Don't apologize, Clare. I'm just glad you trust me enough to let me in." Eli says, cautiously taking my hand into his once again. "While you were crying, the morning bell rang. You didn't want to be seen by anyone, particularly _him_, so I took you to my car. I waited for you to calm down and then I would take you back to class, but you ended up crying yourself to sleep." Eli's hand lets go of mine and moves up tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You look exhausted, but I don't blame you. I would be emotionally drained too."

I try to remember everything that Eli just recounted to me, but nothing comes to mind. Still, I don't argue. "Thank you, Eli. For everything you're doing for me. I never asked you to do this and you still took it upon yourself to do it. You're a remarkable person."

He smiles back at me, but doesn't say anything.

I start to stand back up. "I guess we should head back to Degrassi. KC might be wondering where I am. I have to start thinking of an excu-"

"What?"

I blink. "I can't tell KC that I ditched school all morning with you to talk about him. Are you serious?"

"Clare, do you hear yourself right now?" Eli asks incredulously.

"Eli, what exactly were you expecting out of my confession?" I ask very seriously. He doesn't answer right away, probably picking and choosing the right words to say to me. So I try to make it easier for him. "Don't worry about hurting the delicate, little flower that I am, I got all the sensitive crap out of the way."

"Fine, I won't hold back." Eli warns. "I was expecting you to come to your senses. I was hoping that you would understand the severity of your situation once you talked about it in the open. KC isn't a good guy for you, Clare! He's just trying to control you, trying to have power over you! Relationships are about compromise, equal partnership. There isn't any of that in yours. You're both constantly having a power struggle. He's threatened by you. You need to leave him."

I glare back at him. "You have no idea what you're saying. Who are you to judge what goes on in our relationship? Do you even know anything about KC? You don't know him like I know him! How can you expect for me to do all that based off a 20 minute conversation?!"

"He's hurting you!"

"I deserve it!"

"CLARE!"

"Do you have any idea of the things that I've done?!" I scream back at Eli, but continue in a more broken voice, "Do you know what I'm even capable of?" There are no tears threatening to fall this time because I'm all cried out, and for once I'm thankful for that. If I weren't, I know I'd be a blubbering mess once again.

Eli stares back at me as if he's looking at a ghost, but he lets me continue.

"KC loves me, Eli. I know you can't see that because all you see is a monster. But what I see is a lost, broken boy who just needs love. He lost his way but I believe he can find his way back. All he needs is patience and love. Yes, he hurts me, but he also makes me feel wanted. And I love him enough to endure whatever curveball life decides to throws at me so long as he is right there by my side. And I've done things to him as well – things I'm not ready to talk about. But I've hurt him much more than he's hurt me if that's even possible. Despite all that I've done, he still chooses to love me. I'm a lucky girl. I deserve whatever he throws at me. Do you understand?"

Eli shakes his head towards the ground furiously. "That's not right at all, Clare."

"You asked me to let you in. Now I'm asking you to accept things the way they are and let me handle this. You may be involved in battle, but ultimately this is my war."

He looks up back at me, this time with softer eyes. His pleading eyes meet with mine, but I know that this argument has a victory with my name on it. Eli finally gives in with a sigh of defeat.

"You're going to drive me mad, Edwards. I'm going to regret this. But on one condition."

"What is it?"

"You have to call me after he hurts you."

"Why? You're not going to hurt him, are you?"

"I wish I could, but you've made it clear that I can't do that. Not yet, anyway." Eli remarks. "No, I just want to make sure you're safe. And so I can help take care of your battle wounds."

"I can take care of myself, you know. I'm not a little girl." I state.

"I know, Edwards. I just want to be there for you any way I can without crossing any boundaries… yet."

I frown. "I'm not liking this foreshadowing, Eli. Don't you dare get involved with my relationship with KC. That's between KC and I."

"I know, I know." He says, waving his hand in the air. "Let's grab lunch and head back to Degrassi. We might be able to catch AP Lang if we hurry." Eli begins to walk away, but I'm beginning to have a change of heart.

"Actually, do you mind if we just eat here?" I ask softly, grabbing his hand. "I'm exhausted." And it was the truth. After riding out the rollercoaster of emotions I have faced the last four hours alone has me completely wiped and spent. The idea of going back to school seemed like an unconquerable feat at this point.

At last, I'm able to get a smirk out of Eli. "Who am I to turn Clare Edwards down on her request?"

* * *

After grabbing a soup and sandwiches from a local café not too far from the clearing in the forest, we returned to our spot and enjoyed a little impromptu picnic. I had the opportunity to check my phone to see if KC had noticed my absence. He left a text that read, "_Hope you're feeling okay, hun. I miss you and I'll call as soon as I get the chance. Love you. –KC." _ After thinking about what to say to him back, I finally texted him back, "_Missing you. Stuck at home with a cold. Thinking of you 3 –Clare." _Hopefully, Jake wouldn't mention anything to him later.

For the meantime, I decided it was best for me to push away all my worries and just focus on spending time with Eli. It's been awhile since I've spent one on one time with a friend. When things started getting intense with KC, he made it difficult for me to hang out with Alli. She was always concerned, but absolutely adored KC and never suspected anything. I never wanted to worry her, so I kept her in the dark. Eli and our mutual friend, Adam all shared an honors English class last semester. The three of us grew close, but I was never able to spend time with the two of them outside of school. My life truly did revolve around KC and I never complained about it.

Looking back at the last two years of my life, it's kind of crazy how I let things get this bad. When I was just a freshman, just 14 years old, I was in control. Sure, I was young, but I knew what I wanted; I had goals for myself. I had so much passion and determination built up inside of me. I may have had terrible fashion sense, but I had faith in myself and in my religion. If I failed at something, I always believed that it was because there was better plan for me because God said so.

Now I'm a junior, 16 years old, and rotting. How did I spiral downwards so quickly? In just two years, I've gone against everything I believed in. They say that it's the adolescent years where you discover yourself yet I haven't the slightest clue about who I am. Whenever I confide in KC about this, he always reassures me saying, "I know who you are. That's all that matters." And it would be enough to calm me down.

But in this moment, I'm becoming undone. Those words aren't enough to settle myself any longer. I need more.

"Tell me something about yourself."

Eli finishes chewing a part of his sandwich and swallows it hard. "Why?"

I shrug. "Why not? I mean, you know so much about me. I hardly know anything about you." I realize how nervous I am saying all of this. Am I overstepping any boundaries?

Eli shifts uncomfortably on the hood of Morty, his hearse. "On the contrary Clare, you know a lot about me. You know more than most people, actually."

I raise my eyebrows. "I do?"

He nods his head. "Think about it, Clare. We've been English partners for the past year. We've peer edited each other's work. I've written about some pretty personal stuff. You've managed to look beyond the technicalities of my writing and immerse yourself into the actual substance of it. My heart is in my work. Everything I do is done with 100% of me."

I couldn't help but smile. As much as this boy pisses me off, he never ceases to amaze me. He is perhaps the most passionate soul I have ever encountered in my life so far. To be perfectly honest, I don't think anyone could top the amount of love he has for his art.

"Did you know I was in love once?"

"With who?" I ask, trying not to sound too eager. The idea of Eli Goldsworthy being in love sounds pretty out of this world.

"Her name was Julia." Was? "She died."

"Oh…" Is all I can pathetically manage. "I'm so sorry, Eli."

"Don't be, you didn't know her. It all happened before I started attending Degrassi."

Suddenly, a thousand clicks start going off in my head. All of Eli's past essays and poems that I had to edit and critique come flashing back into my mind. I start to connect all the dots together. Eli was right – I did know him. "She died in a car accident, didn't she? Your short story from last semester…"

"Yeah, that was a tribute to Julia."

"You took some time off and moved away from your old town in order to move on. That's why you transferred to Degrassi, right?"

"Look at you, Sherlock." Eli mused. For such a heavy topic, Eli was taking the whole situation lightly. I couldn't help but worry.

"Are you okay, Eli?" I ask worriedly, shifting myself so that I can face him entirely. I also lay my hand on his knee, not knowing what else to do.

Surprisingly, he smiles back at me. "Actually Clare," he begins, "Talking to you about this is making this a lot easier for me. I've always talked to my parents about this, but that was it – no one else knows. It's been three years since her death, so I've had time to make my peace with it. I miss her and I always will, but she wouldn't want me to be miserable. She wouldn't want me to miss her forever when she can't come back, she would want me to be happy. I have to make her death mean something."

Again, I stare back at Eli with awe and admiration. Never have I met someone as strong and altogether as Eli Goldsworthy. How lucky I am to have someone like him in my life.

"Do you want to be a writer when you grow up?" I asked him.

"I've thought about it. But I've realized that I get more of a rush when I see my writing come to my life. I think I want to be a movie director, but I'm not 100% committed to that idea yet. We'll see."

"I could actually be talking to a future Academy Award winner. My mind is blown." I tease at him.

"Now don't get your hopes too high. I'm not even thinking that far ahead." He laughs for a few moments and I couldn't help but join in. We go on and on about our interests, our goals, and we share stories with each other. When we finally die down, silence fills the air and the atmosphere suddenly turns serious. School is almost over, which means I would have to get myself home soon. I didn't want to leave.

"Hey, Clare?" He suddenly chirps.

"Yeah?

"What is it about KC that made you fall in love with him?" He asks.

Typically, a girl gushes on and on about how wonderful their boyfriend is and wouldn't dare leaving out a single detail about their epic love story. But he and I knew that under the circumstances I was in, the generic answer simply wouldn't cut it.

"There was once a time when I could feel safe with him. Where he was, there was always comfort and security. When Darcy left for Africa and my parents began arguing, my house no longer served as a safe haven. I fell in love believing he was _home_ and that I could trust him, letting him into places where no one else has ever seen or been before. KC was my best friend. He was there."

"What about now?"

I pursed my lips. "I think he's still my best friend. It's just that I've become his enemy."

"Why do you think that?" His green eyes are piercing into mine. His gaze is still too intense for me to handle, so I looked to the ground again.

"I did something bad." I whisper.

"I highly doubt you're the one to blame in this situation." He scoffs, but I can't even manage to give him as much as a small smile in return.

_Eli, if only you knew what happened._

* * *

**A/N: I'm super sorry it took me so long to publish this chapter, but it's finally up and it's also pretty lengthy in comparison to the past chapters. Like I said in my previous author's note, school's gonna be kicking my butt and it most certainly has already despite that we're only 2 weeks into the semester. I officially hate Anatomy & Physiology. **

**And to EliAndClareInLove, my dogs' names are Katie and Gracie! :)**

**Playlist:  
****Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters  
****Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth & Emeli Sande  
****Don't Know Why by Norah Jones  
****Have You Ever? by Brandy**


	6. Truth Impales

**Fragile Strength  
**_Chapter Five: Truth Impales_

* * *

"_And if I was stronger than I would tell you 'no...' If I was stronger than I would up and go, but here I am and here we go again."_

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock. _

"Who is it?"

The door weakly creaked open revealing a grinning KC and a container filled with my favorite pasta from my favorite restaurant. "It's me. I hope you're feeling better. I brought you your favorite food to speed up the healing process." He chuckles.

"Aw, KC… you didn't have to. You know how expensive that restaurant is." I note, but I give him a quick peck and take the food, not willing to deny his sweet gesture. "Thank you so much, love. I really appreciate it."

"Anything for you." He says before sitting on the edge of my bed with me. "So what did you do all day at home?"

I shrug, not wanting to say anything in fear that he'll find out I skipped school with Eli. "Nothing really. I mostly slept and caught up on homework."

"That sounds exciting." KC says sarcastically. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better. I'm still a bit tired."

"I'm sorry, dear." He says sympathetically while caressing my cheek.

"It's okay, it'll pass." I reply, trying my best to savor this side of KC that he rarely shows. There was a time in our relationship that he always acted like this to me. Nowadays, I consider myself lucky if I get to see this side of him again.

"How's your project going with Eli? He giving you a hard time yet?" He asks in an attempt to find something else to talk about. I giggle softly.

"He's actually been proving to be a great help. I have a good feeling that we'll ace this project and that should bring up my average in this class to at least a B."

"What are you guys doing for your project anyway that requires you to spend so much time with him? I'm not too thrilled about that to be perfectly honest with you." KC remarks while shifting uncomfortably on my bed.

"We have to write an alternate ending for one of the works we read so far in the semester. Then we have to present our analysis of the work as a whole in front of the class. We're almost done writing the alternate ending and I've done a presentation on the work, but Eli thinks it's a better idea if we reenact the scene for the class."

"Like, make a short film kind of thing?"

"Yeah. He says it'll help with his portfolio for college applications anyway since he's planning to major in film. Might as well kill two birds with one stone, you know?"

"I guess that's a good idea. He's not going to try anything on you, is he?"

I stare at KC for a few moments. His head is down, focused on his fumbling thumbs that sit on his lap. It's a habit that he's picked up whenever he gets anxious about something. "Of course not. He knows I'm with you. And I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me like that. We're just good friends."

KC looks up and shrugs. "If you say so." He moves in a bit closer and begins caressing my thigh. "You know… it's been awhile since we…"

My breath hitches. Is this why he's been acting so nice? "I'm aware." I reply warily.

"I think it's time that we go again. What do you think?"

Before I can say anything, KC already begins kissing my jawline, slowly making his way down to my neck and collarbone. "I-I don't think it's such a good idea. Someone might come in and catch us-"

"Already talked to Jake. He said your parents won't be home until dinner and that he's headed to Katie's to give us some alone time." He murmurs against my neck. Every cell in my body is trying to enjoy this intimate moment with him, but my mind can't help but race. Before I can even talk myself out of stopping him, my hands fly up to his body and I struggle to push him off me.

"KC, I don't want to. Not now, I'm not ready yet."

He groans in a frustrated manner before standing up. "Of course you're not ready. You'll never be ready. Do you have any other excuse besides that because I'm getting tired of hearing it over and over again." His voice begins rising, and I know I can't escape what's to come anymore.

"It's not an excuse, it's the truth! Why are you making me do this when I don't want to?" My own voice is beginning to rise, but I can't find the willpower to stop myself.

"I thought you loved me!"

"I do! Can't you see that? Why do you need sex to validate my feelings for you?"

"Because I love you, Clare! I love you so much that I want to be more intimate with you, I want to take things to the next level." KC kneels down in front of me and puts his hand on my cheek once again. "I love you, and I want to make love to you."

I try to find my voice and tell him that true love waits. I want to ask him to wait for me just like how he promised he would before we got caught up in the moment, but then I remember the bruises on my wrist. If I deny him, he might hurt me again.

I'm stuck.

They say sex is a way for making two people become one and yet I have never felt so separated from KC and the rest of the world. But I shut my eyes to hide my fears and pains and slowly lead him onto my bed. KC takes me and makes me his own.

_How does it feel making love to a ghost?_

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock._

"You decent, Clare?" Jake's voice calls from the other side of my bedroom door.

"Just a second." I call out, unable to hide the frustration and shame in my voice. I try my best to move out from under the covers and make myself presentable for Jake, but every fiber in my being refused to move. I feel barren and used. I'm supposed to be_ in_ love, but why do I feel like I'm just desperate to be wanted? I'm supposed to_ feel _loved, but why do I come home with bruises and scars?

KC just "made love" to me – that's what sex between two people in love is called, right?

So why do I feel dirty? Why do I feel ashamed? Why am I hurting? Why do I feel like I'm a million miles away from the supposed "love of my life?"

"I'm coming in now, Clare."

I shoot upright in my bed, holding the comforter in a way so that my chest isn't exposed to my step brother. "Wait! Stop, I'm not-"

But I'm too late. The door swings open and there's poor Jake, someone who I consider to be my biological brother, mortified and traumatized. He yells in horror and I shriek in sheer embarrassment.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL NAKED?! Oh, God…" He covers his eyes with his hands and turns away.

"I TOLD YOU TO WAIT! I WASN'T READY!" I scream back at him, turning redder by the second. I'm never going to be able to live this down. Damn, this would happen to me.

"You said 'just a second' five freaking minutes ago, I assumed you were dressed! Damn women take forever!" He argued back. I could tell that Jake was just as embarrassed as I was.

I quickly grabbed a tank top and a pair of shorts from the foot of my bed and got dressed as fast as I could, possibly setting a new world record for fastest quick change. "I'm decent now, geez."

Jake slowly peeked through his fingers and gave a sigh of relief when he saw clothes on me. "Promise me we'll never speak of this ever again. Ever."

"Deal."

"So anyway…" He drags on in an attempt to get off this awkward subject, "how was quality time with your boy?"

I grimaced. "How is that any less awkward than the previous subject? As if I'd rather discuss my intimacy level with my brother."

"Hey, he's the one who asked me if he could have the house to himself. I didn't even know you guys were having sex until today. I've got to admit, I wasn't so thrilled to find out."

"Then why'd you leave and let him do that to me?"

The way I said 'let him do that to me' immediately strikes Jake's attention. He gives me a strange look, as if to study my body language. Suddenly, I realize that my arms and wrists are fully exposed to him because of my tank top, so I try to inconspicuously hug myself in a futile attempt to cover my marks.

"I left him because I didn't want to stick around and hear my baby sister have sex with her boyfriend…" Jake says slowly, while his eyes are scanning my arms up and down. "Clare, what are you hiding?"

"Wh-What do you mean?" I ask innocently, although I know very well where this conversation is heading. Almost instantly, I begin planning an escape route.

Jake stands up and says in an assertive manner, "Put down your arms."

"No, I'm kind of cold." I say quietly, fearful of Jake's assertive nature that I've only seen maybe once or twice. "In fact, I'm gonna go grab a sweater…"

"Let me see your arms." He commanded once again in an assertive tone, not showing any signs of letting up.

"I'm feeling tired, Jake. Can you leave?"

"Did KC give you those bruises? Is that what Eli meant today? Is that why you skipped school? Clare, is he hurting you?"

"Get out of my room, Jake!"

"How long has this been going on?!"

"GET OUT!"

"ANSWER ME!"

How is it possible that two people in the same damn day find out about KC and I? I've been able to hide the true nature of our relationship for a year and a half and it all manages to come crashing down in a day's worth of carelessness.

"I'm sleeping over Alli's tonight." I say in a huff, grabbing my overnight bag and quickly throwing everything in it. "Don't wait up."

"Clare, I'm sorry for yelling. But we're not done talking about this." Jake says in a softer tone. However, I'm in no mood to put up with Jake nor do I have the energy to come up with a string of excuses as to why I have bruises all over my arms.

"Well, I am. In fact, I don't even know what you're talking about." I deadpan. I rush down the stairs, grab the keys off the rack, slip on my shoes, and I'm already half way out the door. "Goodnight, Jake."

I hear Jake calling my name down the block, but I'm past the point of caring to even bother looking back.

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock. _

A rush of chilly, autumn wind cuts through me as I struggle to keep myself warm. It's already mid-October, a common time in the Toronto suburbs for the mornings and nights to be freezing but the afternoons to be perfectly temperate. It's already 9:45pm on a school night and if I knew the Bandhari's well enough, which I do, I knew that they all in the living room watching TV together.

"Please, someone open the door…" I mutter under my breath as another breeze rips against my body. A few seconds later, Mr. Bandhari greets me on the porch.

"Why, hello Clare, it's very nice to see you again! It's been awhile, my dear!" He says cheerfully in his thick, Indian accent. His good mood is enough to put a smile on my face and temporarily make me forget about my own problems.

"It's nice to see you too, Mr. Bandhari. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No, not at all. Come in, you must be cold." He guides me inside and I step into the warm, Bandhari home. I immediately see Alli and her mother sitting on the sofa, eyes glued to the television set.

"Clare, what are you doing here?" Alli asks in a surprised tone, but her face lights up the moment she sees me. She stands up and gives me a hug. Her mother gives me a warm smile and waves at me.

"I just thought I'd come by and see you." I turn to Mrs. Bandhari, not wanting to ignore her. "Hello, Mrs. Bandhari, it's nice to see you again."

"Good evening, Clare. It's always a pleasure having you here." She replies.

"Mom, Dad, is it alright if Clare and I excuse ourselves to go upstairs and hangout?"

They give us a nod and we jet up the stairs. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to tell Alli and where to even begin. I'm not even sure if I should even tell her the truth.

"So what's wrong, Clare? What brings you here on a school night?" Alli says the moment we walk into her bedroom.

"Not so loud, Alli. I don't want Sav to hear anything."

"He's away at university, remember? And my parents can't hear anything from downstairs. Now tell me what's going on. Is it boy troubles?"

"Not exactly… Jake and I kind of got into a fight and I just don't want to be home to deal with everything right now. Is it okay if I sleepover here for tonight?"

Alli pursed her lips. I could already tell the answer was going to be no. "I wish I could let you, but my parents don't let me anyone sleepover on school nights. I would sneak you over, but my parents just started trusting me again and I don't want to screw that up."

"No, of course not. I wouldn't take you up on that offer regardless, but thank you anyway Alli, I completely understand." I say, but I feel defeated inside. Where am I supposed to go?

"Can you stay at KC's?"

"His group home doesn't allow visitors to sleepover. And I'm pretty sure visiting hours are over by now."

"What did you and Jake fight about anyway? Was it really that bad? I can't picture Jake getting mad at you for anything - you guys are usually so close."

"Well, not tonight." I scoff. "Don't worry about it, it's just family stuff. Hopefully, it'll blow over by tomorrow."

"Clare, you've been hiding things from me, haven't you?" Alli remarked sadly and quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"There's been something going on with you. Something changed in you a long time ago and I don't know what it is. You've managed to close out everyone and anyone who have tried to help, even me. It hurts knowing that I'm no help to you anymore." I sat on her bed listening, but shocked by what she said. I hadn't the slightest clue that Alli had any idea of what was going on with me. What bothered me the most was that Alli felt that I didn't need her anymore when that was the farthest thing from the truth.

"Alli, I will always need you. You're my best friend." I say whole heartedly, trying my hardest not to cry in front of her. I grab her hand to emphasize the message to her. "There are only so many people in the world who have the pleasure of finding that one person who will understand and love them through anything and everything. I am _so _fortunate to have that role filled by you."

Without warning, Alli begins to cry in front of me. I pull her into a hug, not knowing what else I can do. I didn't mean to sound incredibly corny, but every word that came out of me rang true – Alli was my best friend, my person. I knew I was pushing her away for some time, but I was only doing it for her protection. I didn't want to alarm her with KC's behavior or my negative thoughts. Alli had a rough couple of years with Johnny DiMarco, Drew Torres, Bianca DeSousa, transferring out of Degrassi, even going as far as to run away from home. She was finally putting her life back together and the last thing she needed on her already hectic plate was her downward spiral of a best friend.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I will always have time for you. Any problem you have, even if you think it's stupid, it isn't stupid to me. If something or someone's bothering you, you can talk to me." Alli says, sniffling into my shoulder.

"I know, I know. Same goes for you, you know. You've had it rough."

"But I'm okay now. You, on the other hand, I have no idea how you are. I had to hear from Jake that you skipped school with Eli."

My eyes grow wide. "What? Jake told you that?"

"Please don't get even madder at Jake. He just told me because he was worried about you and thought I might know what's going on. He said something about Eli confronting you in the parking lot and saying something about KC hurting you and if I knew anything about it…"

If it were physically possible, my heart would have dropped to the ground right then and there. Was Jake just going to go around telling everyone? What if it got back to KC…

"I have to go, Alli."

"Clare, I'm sorry! Please don't be angry with me. You know you can talk to me!" Alli pleaded as I was gathering all my things in her room.

I let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm not mad at you, Alli." And it was true. I could try to be mad at her all I wanted, but she wasn't prying for answers. She wasn't the one asking everyone around if my boyfriend was hurting me.

"Then why are you leaving?"

"I have to find a place to stay tonight, remember? I can't stay here or else your parents will kill you and I can't go back home or else Jake and I will start another world war."

"Well, where will you go? Jenna's?"

"If her older brother's cool with it, I guess. But I've never stayed over there before. If she says no, I guess I'll go back home."

"Okay. Good luck, Clare." Alli says while walking me to the front porch.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I give Alli a quick squeeze and step into the cool night once again.

I walk down two blocks down from Alli's house and turn the corner. If I know Jenna well enough, which I do, she's already sound asleep by this time of night. The neighborhood is dimly lit, giving off a gloomy feel; perfect for my gloomy mood. I take a glance at my watch: 10:45pm. Who would be awake on a school night and would be willing to let me stay the night?

* * *

_Knock, knock. _

"Hey… Can I spend the night with you?"

* * *

**A/N: I threw in Jake/Clare, KC/Clare, and Alli/Clare scenes to mix it up. It took me awhile to finish this one because I had a huge writer's block at the end of Jake's scene/beginning of Alli's; literally took me a week just to get over it and to play around with it. **

**I couldn't sleep one night and had some major Camaya feels, so I wrote an impromptu one-shot a week and a half ago. If you guys haven't read it yet, you should! Not my best, but you know… **

**My first anatomy lab practical exam is in two days, so if you guys could just pray for me, it would mean the world to me. Thanks everyone! **

**Playlist:  
****Papers by Usher  
****Sort Of by Ingrid Michaelson  
****Fire Burnin by Ross David  
****Naked As We Came by Iron & Wine**


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